I don't think that this day will ever get any easier for me. I feel a little guilty at times that her birth mean so much to me. My other children are such great blessings and I adore them as much as I do her but I have a rough time on this day.
I was sitting here doing homework, working away writing a final essay, editing and posting it when I finally finished I dramatically burst into tears. Not because I stress, proud or finished but I looked at the time, right around 10:30, I remember the late hours of the day of her birth pretty well, even though they were such a blur. I guess I can't say I remember them well and that they were a blur but I do want to document what I do remember.
I remember them sending me out of the room, it was about 7:30 at this point, not giving me any information on what was going on, I remember the rocking chair I sat in, I remember sobbing not know what to do thinking I had failed that I had some how hurt my sweet baby girl. I remember the phones in the nursery ringing and ringing people seemed frantic yet I knew nothing, they just kept telling everyone on the line " we can't do it now, we are bagging a baby" I knew that baby was mine. I remember calling Josh, just barely, and waiting for him to return to the hospital. One thing I will NEVER forget, I have heard it clearly in my head many times in the last 2 years and I know I remember it because my husband believed it and he helped me to believe it was true, He never told me, she will be fine, he will get well he only told me that the lord was with her, he said this You have done your part as a mother, given our child the greatest give a mother can give her child, a body. It is part of the plan, it is what you were supposed to do. We continued to talk about the plan of salvation and that if we did loose our sweet Morgyn that we would be reunited with her again. That the lord was kind and he would comfort us. I knew that was true. His testimony that night was one of the sweetest things he has ever done for me, today at church my husband shared again his testimony, one of charity and service, his love for his family and love of church leaders, he honored me as his wife and shared his love for me and our family, I was so grateful I couldn't speak.
Next I remember the blessing Josh and My brother in law Brian gave Morgyn one of safety and comfort, they left her life and our heart in the lords hands. She was calm. She looked peaceful most importantly at that point she looked a little more pink. They then gave me a priesthood blessing of rest, peace and comfort. Josh then went to the other hospital with Morgyn, I stayed and went back to my room. I don't remember much after that until 4:16 the next morning I woke up to a baby crying and I cried but turned over to realize my sweet husband was back by my side there to comfort me trusting the lord that our children were in good hands. He was there for me.
I feel like I am terrible at expressing it but I love that man, he has stood strongly beside me through hard time and great times. He makes me laugh often, take most wonderful care of me and my children, I couldn't be more grateful or proud of the man he is.
I am truly grateful for my knowledge of the plan of salvation through the last 2 years especially the lord has continued to testify to me that he has a plan for each of us. We have agency but when we are to be called back to our savior we will return. There are many in heaven waiting for the gospel and many missionaries need there.
To those who have lost children, babies and loved ones
know the lord loves you, keep him close to you for comfort he will guide you through the tough times, he will show you the way to comfort. Know that there will be a time again that you will see those who have passed on. Trust in him that he will allow you happiness and that is indeed what he desires for you. I know we have a loving savior and I am grateful for him. In the name of our loving lord and savior Jesus Christ--- Amen